Why is sex the best only at the beginning and why does it fade as the years pass?
Best sex at the beginning of the relationship is an illusion. Most people enter a sexual relationship quite unconsciously, without a proper understanding of how sexual desire operates. It is the fact that two people barely know each other which is highly arousing. Novelty turns them on, not so much each other. There is an impression of perfection, of a hope for a “bright future ahead”, the native craving for a soulmate. Lovers bond over their common experiences and emotions and it creates an illusion of total compatibility. They have yet to disappoint or frustrate each other.
It is not the hot sex which fades as the months go by. It is the illusion which fades, and as it does, it opens a possibility for true sexual connection. Empirical research shows that if both partners are willing, sex only gets better into the 3rd or 4th decade of marriage!
How can couples bring back the hot sexual desire for each other?
Bringing back sexual desire which you felt the first few months of the relationship is impossible. And anyone who promises you to do that, does not understand how desire nor relationships operate. It is also the reason why so many couples feel frustrated and lost. They go out of their way trying new things, role play, buy sex toys, bending over backwards to feel that honeymoon buzz again. When they don’t, they assume that they are failing somehow.
It does not matter how many sex toys or strawberry flavoured lubricant you purchase, you will never feel the honeymoon desire for your partner again.
The good news is YOU DON’T HAVE TO! Truly great sex is ahead! Consider novelty sex as Level 1. You just gotta do the work. Step one is to understand your own sexuality. Step two is get to know your partner’s. Step three is share and explore together.
Why do you think it is hard for lovers to talk about sex?
People feel the pressure to be great in bed. Two strangers are expected to meet, fall in love and inherently know how to gift each other pleasure and turn each other on forever. This combination of pressure and expectation is the driving force behind numerous failed sexual relationships.
People assume that talking or asking about sex shows their lack of skills in the bedroom. I argue the opposite. Inquiring about sex makes you a GREAT lover! It means you are genuinely curious, open to learn and excited to explore. Unfortunately, most people don’t stick around long enough to explore their sexuality and never ask the right questions.
What if someone is too shy to talk about sex?
My mantra is – if you can’t talk about it together, you should not be doing it together.
Sex requires an emotional maturity from both partners. Otherwise all you have is two humans poking and prodding each other.
Be shy and talk anyways!
Is sexual boredom inevitable in a monogamous relationship?
Contrary to popular belief, sexual boredom is a vital part of any sexual relationship! I dive deep into this subject in my ebook. Its unique purpose is to drive personal development. It manifests itself or a reason! We need to feel bored so that we can do something about it!
Committed long-term relationships provide the perfect stage upon which we can work on our sexuality, explore it and expand it within the confines of mutual support and tenderness. Imagine treating your intimate partner as your self-development buddy, your best friend in sexual exploration. How cool is that?
I encourage my clients to welcome sexual boredom with an open heart. It is a sign that they are ready to dive deeper – to truly understand their own eroticism and build a sustainable sexual relationship. The 500 Questions were designed exactly for this!
What are your five must-ask questions for couples from your ebook?
The best questions really depend on the couple and their current sexual relationship. That’s why I wrote an ebook with 500 questions, not 50! The following five always get the conversation going:
In what sexual situations can I be more patient with you?
How do you decide that someone is sexually compatible with you?
What aspects of your sexuality have you had to suppress in previous relationships?
What would be some early warning signs that our sexual relationship is in trouble?
What is the purpose of sex in your life?
If two people are sexually different, does that mean they need to break up?
We tend to assume that we need to be 100% compatible with a partner in order to enjoy sex. In 2020, the unfortunate dating mantra is “something better is one swipe away!”, except when we do get that “next thing”, we find ourselves bored and struggling all over again. The reason this happens is because no matter how many people we date and sleep with, the common denominator is always us. We are always on the run from our own sexual boredom and issues! New sexual partners are just a momentary distraction.
Truth is, we don’t understand our own desires, let alone our partner’s. We never had an opportunity to dive deep into our sexuality and by the time the opportunity finally arises, we bolt to find someone new to play with.
My advice, before you run, is do the work. Give it all you got because you’ll have to do the very same thing in your next relationship, and the next, and the next. So why not do it now?
Why do you think women tend to have more sexual desire issues than men?
Sexual struggles and dysfunctions are hard to research. Therefore, we do not have exact statistics on who has more issues, men or women. What we DO know is that both sexes struggle in their own way.
One of the causes of lack of sexual desire, which is hard to research and quantify, is the fact that majority of people are not having the type of sex which they enjoy. In most basic terms – we don’t want sex because the sex we are being offered is not good enough. Thus, it is not so much as a sexual dysfunction which must be healed but rather the way we make love and connect sexually which must be changed.
What are some of the most common issues your clients disclose during private consultations?
Every woman’s story is unique however we all share common struggles. Some of them include – fading of sexual desire, inability to orgasm during sex, body insecurity, struggles with feeling sexually turned on and experiencing vaginal pain during sex.
In addition, over the years, I’ve become a confessional booth for my clients. I’ve heard about every possible kink and fantasy imaginable. The irony is that every person feels they are “the only weirdo”. Meanwhile we all are perverts to some degree and I love that! No two sexualities are alike. We are afraid to show our true (sexual) colours to others and yet our uniqueness is what makes us sexy and memorable!
What is your favourite Onna Lifestyle toy at the moment?
My love affair has always been between Onna Allure and Onna Drop. Since working on the anal sex guide the last few months, I’ve been playing a lot with the Onna Drop, for research purposes….or at least that is my excuse these days!
I just love how versatile this toy is! The two sized bulbs are perfect for both vaginal and anal stimulation and also for internal massage. The extra curve of the toy adds an extra oomph of sensations. I just can’t get enough!
What is your favourite pleasure at the moment?
Since the beginning of summer, I’ve committed to eating most of my meals without the distraction of music, podcasts or Netflix. I use it as a time to decompress mentally. It is not always easy to do but the results have been spectacular. I actually taste my food. My mind feels rejuvenated. I am more present with my partner and I get the best writing ideas when I’m chewing my breakfast in total silence. I highly recommend this sensual practice!